I had a miscarriage

I had been waiting such a long time. Finally, finally I was pregnant. My husband and I went in for an ultrasound. We had been trying for years and it seemed like impossibility then there on the screen we could see a heartbeat. I was pregnant.  Instantly I felt wave after wave of emotion. Each one new and different—excitement, disbelief, anxiety, fear, joy. Over and over again the feelings came.

Then a week later I noticed some blood. Instantly I went to Google. It said sometimes it is usual but to call the doctor just to make sure. I did and they had me in for another ultrasound that week. Nervously I waited as the ultrasound tech checked the ultrasound. As we waited longer and longer waiting for her to say…anything my heart beat so hard it was deafening. She was double-checking, triple checking but I knew. I knew. Then her words confirmed the worst.

“I’m so sorry.”

My world crashed so quickly. Maybe it was because we had waited so long. Maybe it was because I had just found that long elusive emotion hope.

I was only eight weeks along. I was eight weeks along.

I hadn’t told too many people I was pregnant and to those I had to tell them.  “I HAD A MISCARRIAGE.”

The weeks that followed were strange ones--full of questions, sadness, grief and loneliness. Not just for me, but for my husband as well. We were truly mourning. Good friends offered their condolences and treasured prayers. It was strange to miss someone we didn’t really get to meet but someone who had forever changed our lives. We could never again say that we were not parents. We had, for a short sweet time been parents to a baby we named John.

I am a very private person and so I did not talk about him much.  Interesting enough, a few friends reached out to me to tell me their own story.  Strangely, we rarely talk about pregnancy loss, even though 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.

Why? I think some of us think that we should “just keep going”, “get over it”, or it is “not really a big deal”. But that fact is that is painful and a true loss. The fact is that I lost a baby, a life and my baby deserves to be mourned. There are so many out there that deserve to be mourned as well. It’s a hard topic, but if every woman who has lost a pregnancy to miscarriage or stillbirth told her story, we might at least feel less alone.

October is Pregnancy and Loss Awareness month and October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On that day many, including myself will remember in a special way the children they knew for a precious short time. Some attend local events like the Walk to Remember.

A little more than a year later we had a baby girl. She is such a joy to our family and we are so thankful. And even though you only see one child, I know I am the mother of two.

For those of you out there who might be suffering from a loss just know you are not alone. Many women feel the same way you do and if you do need support, reach out there are many that want to support you.